“it’s a shitty situation to be in,”

you said.

maybe i’ve been closing my eyes to the real of it,

to the heart of the matter,

but my eyes are open, and i realize how right you were.

maybe i was too scared to analyze the different layers of my emotions,

to objectively contemplate the reality behind our words, and thoughts.

i kick myself for not running when i had the chance,

for not cutting my losses and turning a blind eye.

but you drew me in so fast and, like my breath, i was caught.

caught in the web of your openness and unyielding honesty.

i guess you could say i hold a resentment to the universe for this one.

because when i met you i was running, as i do,

and i stumbled unwantingly into this trap the world had set for me.

unwillingly falling faster and harder than i would like to admit,

even to myself.

sense and reality went out the window,

but now it’s coming back to me and i’m trembling at the weight.

the weight of fear, of separation, of the million questions swimming in my mind.

most of all i tremble at the weight of one thing,

of one word,

one emotion,

that i feel so fervently,

so passionately.

that i can’t admit out loud because it’s simply not rational.

but the word screams itself in my mind when our eyes lock,

and i can’t escape it.

and it plays in my mind on repeat,

and i want to repeat it to you,

to share the weight, even just to the air surrounding the word when i release it.

i don’t expect you to take it, to feel it,

i won’t expect anything from you,

because it’s not fair to you,

but mostly not fair to me.

i love you.

there, weight released.