i sat at home
staring at a luminescent screen with a date and a time and your name
your name and a place to go and strangers so many strangers and me
i stared at the screen and i sat and the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes faded away into
too late
waited too long and my nerves ate me away until i was nothing but bitten down finger nails and regret
regret for this time regret for the past and the future and all the times i couldn't wouldn't go because i couldn't
couldn't find the strength to face the crowd to see someone who's name and words meant so much to my being to who i am now and to who i will be
what would i say how do you say hello to a person you love who has changed you and moved you and made you cry rivers and write mountains of words and remember how to feel
how
do you say hello
how do you face the chore of sweeping away your fears and folding away the doubt that you just aren't enough aren't strong enough aren't enough to say hello
how
how do i say thank you
thank you for being you for doing what you do and thank you for being strong and beautiful and so much of the person i wish i could emulate just for a minute so i could stand in front of you and say
hello, thank you

i think of you sometimes.
but not
in the way one would want to be thought of.
i think of the person i was then,
and the person i am now.
i think
of the ever growing crevasse between our lives.
how scared i was to make that leap,
to get out of the burning plane and head for safety.
i think of the small broken girl i was,
and you holding the hammer
smashing
my
pieces
smaller.
i think of the strength it took to leave
strength you convinced me i never had,
strength you robbed.
i look at the years gone past,
the growth.
a woman stands in the rubble,
a heart warmer, fuller, brighter,
more content than that girl could have hoped for.
i wonder if you're the same person...
the boy with malevolence in his eye and blood on his hands
are you still crushing souls?
are you still leaving decay where your love touches?
i hope not.
i hope you've grown, too.
i wish wonders for you,
that growth took seed and blossomed someone beautiful inside
where that dead thing once lived.

i read somewhere that ' what we find in a soulmate isn't something wild to tame, but something wild to run with. '
and oh, how we were running.
we were flying through life, so fast our feet barely touched ground before the next great leap,
so spritely we were dancing and bounding past fears and past monsters,
but sometimes i like to stop and admire the scenery around me,
sometimes i like to walk instead of run,
and sometimes, the scenery frightens me,
and sometimes,
i become timid and tame.
but you,
the scenery frightens you so, you won't stop at all.
you are a wild thing, wild and beautiful and i love you so for it,
but that wild thing doesn't like to slow down,
there are dark things hiding in those bushes for you and you like to run past them,
reality waits for those who stop running.
so why stop running?
wait here you said,
wait and be strong as i keep running wild,
when i come back i'll be grounded you said.
when i come back we will run again.
but there are dark things in those bushes for me, too.
there are dark creatures of doubt, there are creatures of sadness.
so much sadness.
i'm sitting waiting, wiggling my toes and running my hands through the dirt to feel the pulse of the earth,
reminding myself that sitting is beautiful,
reminding myself that waiting is beautiful, for is that naught what the trees and the grass do...
they wait for the sun, they wait to sleep under the moon and they wait for the rains.
but my rain has left me, and i'm drying up.
those creatures are creeping out of the darkness and into the light and they're whispering in my ear,
the sound of you whispering sweet nothings has been replaced with mounting fears...
you can't run wild forever, they say.
you are a creature meant for a slower pace.
you aren't meant to hold back that wild thing,
watch it run.
feel the rain on your face, but not on your soul,
i won't tame you, wild thing.
i can't run with you, either.
i don't know if i can do this,
i'm not strong like you asked,
and you won't lend me your strength.
and maybe thats those creatures talking,
or maybe it's the reality that found me when i stopped running when you ran off...
but i'm full of doubt,
and you're full of fire.