i sat at home
staring at a luminescent screen with a date and a time and your name
your name and a place to go and strangers so many strangers and me
i stared at the screen and i sat and the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes faded away into
too late
waited too long and my nerves ate me away until i was nothing but bitten down finger nails and regret
regret for this time regret for the past and the future and all the times i couldn't wouldn't go because i couldn't
couldn't find the strength to face the crowd to see someone who's name and words meant so much to my being to who i am now and to who i will be
what would i say how do you say hello to a person you love who has changed you and moved you and made you cry rivers and write mountains of words and remember how to feel
how
do you say hello
how do you face the chore of sweeping away your fears and folding away the doubt that you just aren't enough aren't strong enough aren't enough to say hello
how
how do i say thank you
thank you for being you for doing what you do and thank you for being strong and beautiful and so much of the person i wish i could emulate just for a minute so i could stand in front of you and say
hello, thank you

i think of you sometimes.
but not
in the way one would want to be thought of.
i think of the person i was then,
and the person i am now.
i think
of the ever growing crevasse between our lives.
how scared i was to make that leap,
to get out of the burning plane and head for safety.
i think of the small broken girl i was,
and you holding the hammer
smashing
my
pieces
smaller.
i think of the strength it took to leave
strength you convinced me i never had,
strength you robbed.
i look at the years gone past,
the growth.
a woman stands in the rubble,
a heart warmer, fuller, brighter,
more content than that girl could have hoped for.
i wonder if you're the same person...
the boy with malevolence in his eye and blood on his hands
are you still crushing souls?
are you still leaving decay where your love touches?
i hope not.
i hope you've grown, too.
i wish wonders for you,
that growth took seed and blossomed someone beautiful inside
where that dead thing once lived.