depression.

the word sits heavy in my mouth.
emptiness/flatness/moroseness/loneliness
a burden/a bore/uninteresting/deadbeat/going nowhere fast
thoughts that swirl around my head.
i guess having someone tell you it's real,
that it wasn't in your head,
that it's an affliction,
and an affliction that you actually have..

it's leaving creepy crawly feelings on my skin,
like a bug i can't seem to brush off to the floor,
nor one that i can sweep aside,
or pick up in a tissue and deposit outside,
where it belongs.
outside
of me.

i just want to take it by it's nasty little corners
and crumple it into a fucking ball
and throw the ball into a fire
and say
"there! you're gone, leave me alone and never come back."
but the corners stretch so fucking far,
so fucking far and i can't find the edges.
is there an edge?
besides the one that's constantly biting me
but when i go to bite back,
it edges away,
that stupid fucking edge.

fuck.
is all i have to say.
fuck.
fuck it,
fuck this,
fuck this for finding me,
fuck this for burrowing it's stupid fucking bugness inside of me,
fuck the fact i don't know how to help myself, or where to start,
or where to go or who to see or who to talk to or what to do
or why this is happening and why it won't stop and why why why does it leave me so flat
so boring
so alone so fucking alone
everyone is running away from me
as they should.
because.
fuck.
why wouldn't they?
run, fuckers, run.
and let me scramble with these edges that i can't find and drown
fucking drown,
in myself.
run,
fuckers,
run.