//

I thought I had it all figured out.
Not all.
But at least one thing.
What I wanted to be when I grew up.
But now,
now I'm doubting that.
I've always doubted everything else. Everything else was a question mark.
But that, that was a period.
No questions asked.
It was. What it was.
Now my whole life seems like one giant, ugly, massive, fucking mother fucking question mark
?
Who are you?
What are you doing?
What is your life going to be?
What do you want?
Who do you want?
Are you happy?
What will make you happy?

The ocean makes me happy.
I want to spend my life by the ocean. I want to be able to make a living by the ocean. And I thought that meant marine biology. It seemed like the simple answer.
Ocean lover, ocean worker, ocean conserver.
But I'm not just a scientist.
I'm not just a finder of facts and numbers. Always quantitating life instead of qualitating.
I'm a stop and smell the salt air kind of person. I want to be able to stop, take my time, take a picture, take two, take a hundred fucking pictures, and just smell the fresh fucking air.
I want adventure. I want to travel the world and see new sights and save the world.
I want to save the world.
Or at least try.
But I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't want to spend 10 years in school just to have a degree that puts me behind a desk.
I want to do the grunt work.
I want my hands to be dirty with the ocean floor, I want there to be diatoms under my finger nails and seaweed tangled in my hair.
I don't want to make a lot of money.
I just want a life where I wake up and I don't feel like I wasted a life.
And then the question mark
?
How?
How do I get that?

Too many question marks.